All By Myself

It’s not that I have never lived alone before, because I have. But the last time I did it, it was different. I spent a year in a gorgeous two-bedroom, two-bath house out in the wine country in northern California. How is it different from where I am now, aside from the location? I had hot water, for one. And cable TV and a huge beautiful kitchen for another. And a little private driving range/putting green in my backyard built for the avid golfer I was renting from. Pretty nice, right? It was cozy and had everything I could ask for. I loved it in many ways, but what I did not love was living alone. I counted down the days until my boyfriend at the time or my friends would come to stay with me, and often fell asleep with the phone to my ear on nights when I was alone. I was actually pretty afraid of living all the way out where I was, even with an alarm system and huge fence and gate surrounding the property. There were a couple nights where I just couldn’t take it and fled to my parents’ at 3am, just so I could get some shuteye. I didn’t have any reason to be as scared as I was. But I would terrorize myself with imaginary scenarios of someone breaking in, or something terrible happening and Iwould scream and no one would hear me. (Completely unrealistic, by the way.) I think at that point, I just wasn’t ready to live alone.

Here though, I embrace my solitary habitation. When I get off work, or come back from a dinner date, I climb the four flights of stairs to my itty bitty studio apartment in the middle of the city, unlock the door, and it’s like I’ve entered my little haven. I never get scared about someone breaking in, although it’s definitely more probable here than back home. I have my little kettle and my refrigerator, which is about the extent of my kitchen, and I have people over for tea. All my books- reference, travel, novels- line the shelf above my little closet that is built into the wall. I’ve actually built up quite a collection. (The other day, I listed all the books I have read since being here, and I’m rather proud- about 14 thus far! It’s amazing what being out of school does for one’s reading appetite!I have about 7 waiting to be read, so that’s a fair amount!) On Sundays, we now have a ritual where we cozy up on my bed (as it’s the only place to sit aside from the floor and one little red stool that sits in front of my vanity and doubles as a coffee table) after brunch and watch bootleg Trueblood episodes from the current season. It’s my little space, and I let people in when I want, and it’s all mine when I need it to be.

When I first moved here and was looking for places, I knew I wanted to live by myself. Before moving here, living alone would have seemed like some kind of punishment- I’m a people person. I like waking up and seeing someone else there. But I felt like for where I am and what I am doing, it’s what I need and deserve. And I still stand by this choice, and wouldn’t have my time here in Thailand any other way. This is my ME time. And I am selfish and I love it.