I have an ego.

People, I think, really are creatures of habit. We get comfortable with what we know, and change can be a tad threatening. I would definitely say I am a creature of habit. I adapt to change well, and I embrace it (Hello, Thailand!), but it still gives me anxiety. Starting on Monday, I will no longer be teaching 8^th grade English. With the staff changes at the school, people have been shifted around and I will now be teaching 7^th grade. I understand the principal’s reasons for doing this- it’s better for the 7^th grade students, who are severely behind in English language proficiency- and while I know it will also be good for me, I am still a little sad about it. And anxious.

People, I think, also have egos. I have one. Currently, my ego is feeling a bit insecure. At school, another teacher will be taking my place as 8^th grade English teacher. I know he will do a good job. But here’s the thing: There’s that feeling- knowing that I am replaceable. That my beloved students might find in their teacher someone who is better than me. I do know that there are probably a couple students who would rather have an angry buffalo as their teacher than me, and I’m okay with that- you can’t please everyone. But, I think a majority of my students think I am a good teacher- even though I am very strict and sometimes give them “too much homework” and quizzes almost every Friday. But what if this new teacher comes in and they like him more? I know this might sound bad, and I don’t mean it to be. I felt it as a nanny too. When I left, I only wanted the best possible person to come in and replace me. And then she did. She was amazing and she is a wonderful person. And the girls LOVED her. While this made me so happy, it was still a shot to the ego. And you can’t help but wonder, when you move on in any part of your life- relationships, friendships, anything, and know that someone else will eventually be filling up the space you once claimed: Will I be forgotten? Will it all of a sudden be found out that I actually wasn’t so great? I, unfortunately, struggle with this a lot. It’s something I need to get over, I know.

Fortunately, I have a whole new group of students to get to know and love, and that is exciting. And, I will still have the 8^th grade for homeroom every day. While it might not be a whole 90 minutes of instruction, it will be 10, and that’s better than nothing. It might even make that homeroom time more meaningful than it is now. Unfortunately, it means I have just one more thing to plan. I am already the chair for our Focus of the Month Program, heading the Creative Writing Club after school- two new things in addition to what I already do. And I’m the 7^th grade science sub for two weeks until our science teacher gets here… Phew! Thinking about it is so overwhelming! And it kind of cancels out the exciting factor right now.

Needless to say, I am definitely feeling the weight of my work right now. And that, combined with a few other things, has made me into a recluse this weekend. I’ve been curled up in bed, with my mug of tea and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, rain pouring outside, Trueblood on my computer, writing lesson plans, unit plans and curriculum maps. And thinking and thinking and thinking. Just trying to stay afloat.