Tomorrow I turn 28. I have always loved birthdays. I think they’re special, because it’s one day where you get to make someone feel loved and appreciated for doing nothing except existing in this world, and you get to show them how thankful you are for their existence in your realm of being. I like my own birthdays, because, well, I like to feel special. And I always like having a reason to celebrate.
But for some reason, I am particularly excited about this one. Maybe it’s because I have a weird affinity for even numbers. I feel like they’re so much more balanced- they can be split exactly in half. They just seem easier to manage. But, maybe, and I haven’t really ever thought about it this way, but maybe I like my birthday because I am thankful for my own existence. I appreciate those in my life- my friends and my family, and I think this is at present emphasized because this past year was a pretty difficult one for me. In my whole life, I have never felt so lost as I did this past year. I was so afraid of closing doors, missing opportunities, and making the wrong choice that I sat, stagnant. Which, I have now realized, is far worse. Honestly, my friends and my family were so supportive during this time- and so patient with me. I don't know what I would have done or if I would be where I am now if I didn't have them backing me. I did not know what to do with myself- I was on what I thought was a very straightforward, clear path, and all of a sudden, tables turned and everything I thought I wanted became inaccessible. I have always been the kind of person that believed if you wanted something bad enough, you would work hard and get it. I DID work hard. I DID want it, with a passion, and yet, somehow, I failed. The direction I thought I wanted to be headed in was all of a sudden a dead end.
I didn’t know if I was meant to be a teacher. If it was what I was meant to do, why was it so hard? Why was I struggling? My firm position clouded over, turned murky. My strong foothold became muddy from all the rain in my life, to continue this little metaphor, and I felt myself slipping. And I didn’t know what to do about it. I bought myself as much time as possible, until finally I made choice. It wasn’t easy and it was overwhelming at the same time- like ripping off a band-aid, almost, so before I thought about it too hard or too much, I just bought my ticket here and did it. And NEVER, ever, ever, have I been so certain that the choice I made was the right one. What I have learned about teaching, my life, my choices, what I am capable of doing- it’s literally indescribable.
And so here I am, embarking upon another year of my life, and basking in this warm, humid, tropical air. I love myself, deeply and fully, and I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. I love what I am doing; I am proud of myself.
Today I took time out from WASC planning and organizing and new teacher contracts and student and parent handbooks and orientations and standards and learning objectives and participated in another teacher’s PE class during my “free” period. We played volleyball. It was just pure fun. It grounded me a little bit, if that makes any sense.
A little later, PE was interrupted by a prior teacher’s visit- she brought pen-pal letters from England for the students. It was joyous. We sat back and watched as the kids sat on the gym floor and ripped open the letters and read with such an excited fervor. They traded and shared the contents of each other's letters. I loved watching their expressions. One boy let out an excited yelp over his letter, and another boy next to him looked at me and said, “Teacher, he is behaving so SAVAGELY!” (a vocabulary word I went over a couple classes prior). “And Teacher, when he does that, I feel it’s so OBNOXIOUS” (another vocab word). It made me laugh. And I was proud. They make me laugh every day, and they make me feel proud every day. I am doing something right. And I am loving it, and I love that.
One teacher I work with who I have grown really close to says this video reminds her of how I am right now... I have to say, most of the time, I quite agree. When I first watched it, I laughed so hard, but it was so spot on. I feel like I CAN do anything good, yeah, yeah. And what a lovely change in thinking that is.
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