"Good things fall apart..."

“Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.”

I came across this quote yesterday. I was perusing Facebook while I should have been grading the editing symbols quiz I gave to my students. Due dates for midterm grades are swiftly approaching, and no matter how far ahead I try to get, I still feel so far behind! But nonetheless, there I was, and here in front of me was this quote. On a social networking website. I think this may trivialize its meaning just a little,  me explaining where I found it, but I am being honest, and it stuck out to me.

Part of me thinks this is how I’ve ended up here- something that I thought was so good fell apart, and I came into this. Another part of me thinks that I am still waiting for that “something better”, but I am definitely building up to it.  Isn’t it interesting how something as simple as one sentence on a friend’s profile could send me reeling through past thoughts, plans, and actions? All of life’s twists and turns- my goodness! How can you not believe that there is some greater force out there, guiding you, maybe a lot, maybe a little, through life?

Just looking back two years at where I was- I was happy. Really happy. I remember telling my best girlfriend that I was almost afraid of how content I was. I think “It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop,” were my exact words. And I was pretty darn certain about my life at that point. I had accepted my admission to Arizona State to get my teaching credential and master’s degree in a thirteen-month accelerated program. Wow. Could you even imagine? Where would I be now if I had gone? I was so set on going. I applied to two other schools, just in case I didn’t get in, but I got in. And I was going. And then, in what I believe was a quite serendipitous moment, the program was erased for at least the year, I think due to budget cuts. ASU sent me a letter to notify me that I was still admitted, I just had to choose another program. But I didn’t want another program, I wanted that one. So I chose to rescind my enrollment and attend a school with a very similar program (though not exactly as perfect-sounding as ASU’s) in Southern California instead. I knew exactly everything I could be giving up by not attending ASU, but I did it. I think  deep down, I knew what the right choice was. I just needed a little kick in the pants to get me going in the direction I was supposed to be going.

I had to let go of a lot that I thought was good over the two years that have passed from then to now.  I could look at it as having been ripped away from me, like the other shoe finally did drop. The good things fell apart. At times, many times, I have looked at it that way. I could still choose to look at it that way- it’s very easy to.

Now, I don’t know exactly why or how, I’m starting to finally look at things from a fresher perspective. Life IS a roller-coaster- sometimes it feels like you’ve been turned upside-down, like you just want to squeeze your eyes shut, praying you won’t fall out but also praying for a stop to get out of it, for God’s sake!  But then there are those exhilarating climbs to the top, knowing something is so great up there, you can’t wait to see it, see what’s next, take those crazy dips and dives.

There will be times when I put my whole heart- my faith, my love, and my full trust into something, and it won’t work out as planned.  That’s a hard realization. But that’s okay, I think now I know I can take it. The ride, well, most of it, was worth it. And when it ends, I think about all I have learned, loved, lost… everything, and I start something new. And there’s always something new- something to learn, something to explore. It’s really all in how you look at things.

And I can’t lie- I am still terrified of getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally. I don’t think I’m getting a motorbike, by the way. (I know some of you are rolling your eyes- “Good Lord, Allison! Get over it with the motorbike issue already!”- I know. I hear you!) I think it’s the “new soul” in me- dealing with hurt isn’t easy, and sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture and know that things will get better and keep on going.  But they will, and so I’ve got to get in there, and keep going with it! I already know myself well enough that I will need reminders to not be afraid to live life to the fullest just because I am afraid of getting hurt. And I think I’ve already received one or two of those messages…

**** Editor's note: The day after writing this, I bit the big one and got a motorbike. A girl was leaving and sold it to me on a whim- impulse purchase? Whether I use it remains to be determined, but I'm going to try. Keep your fingers crossed and send good thoughts about not crashing and driving SLOW my way!****