"Good things fall apart..."

“Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.”

I came across this quote yesterday. I was perusing Facebook while I should have been grading the editing symbols quiz I gave to my students. Due dates for midterm grades are swiftly approaching, and no matter how far ahead I try to get, I still feel so far behind! But nonetheless, there I was, and here in front of me was this quote. On a social networking website. I think this may trivialize its meaning just a little,  me explaining where I found it, but I am being honest, and it stuck out to me.

Part of me thinks this is how I’ve ended up here- something that I thought was so good fell apart, and I came into this. Another part of me thinks that I am still waiting for that “something better”, but I am definitely building up to it.  Isn’t it interesting how something as simple as one sentence on a friend’s profile could send me reeling through past thoughts, plans, and actions? All of life’s twists and turns- my goodness! How can you not believe that there is some greater force out there, guiding you, maybe a lot, maybe a little, through life?

Just looking back two years at where I was- I was happy. Really happy. I remember telling my best girlfriend that I was almost afraid of how content I was. I think “It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop,” were my exact words. And I was pretty darn certain about my life at that point. I had accepted my admission to Arizona State to get my teaching credential and master’s degree in a thirteen-month accelerated program. Wow. Could you even imagine? Where would I be now if I had gone? I was so set on going. I applied to two other schools, just in case I didn’t get in, but I got in. And I was going. And then, in what I believe was a quite serendipitous moment, the program was erased for at least the year, I think due to budget cuts. ASU sent me a letter to notify me that I was still admitted, I just had to choose another program. But I didn’t want another program, I wanted that one. So I chose to rescind my enrollment and attend a school with a very similar program (though not exactly as perfect-sounding as ASU’s) in Southern California instead. I knew exactly everything I could be giving up by not attending ASU, but I did it. I think  deep down, I knew what the right choice was. I just needed a little kick in the pants to get me going in the direction I was supposed to be going.

I had to let go of a lot that I thought was good over the two years that have passed from then to now.  I could look at it as having been ripped away from me, like the other shoe finally did drop. The good things fell apart. At times, many times, I have looked at it that way. I could still choose to look at it that way- it’s very easy to.

Now, I don’t know exactly why or how, I’m starting to finally look at things from a fresher perspective. Life IS a roller-coaster- sometimes it feels like you’ve been turned upside-down, like you just want to squeeze your eyes shut, praying you won’t fall out but also praying for a stop to get out of it, for God’s sake!  But then there are those exhilarating climbs to the top, knowing something is so great up there, you can’t wait to see it, see what’s next, take those crazy dips and dives.

There will be times when I put my whole heart- my faith, my love, and my full trust into something, and it won’t work out as planned.  That’s a hard realization. But that’s okay, I think now I know I can take it. The ride, well, most of it, was worth it. And when it ends, I think about all I have learned, loved, lost… everything, and I start something new. And there’s always something new- something to learn, something to explore. It’s really all in how you look at things.

And I can’t lie- I am still terrified of getting hurt, whether it’s physically or emotionally. I don’t think I’m getting a motorbike, by the way. (I know some of you are rolling your eyes- “Good Lord, Allison! Get over it with the motorbike issue already!”- I know. I hear you!) I think it’s the “new soul” in me- dealing with hurt isn’t easy, and sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture and know that things will get better and keep on going.  But they will, and so I’ve got to get in there, and keep going with it! I already know myself well enough that I will need reminders to not be afraid to live life to the fullest just because I am afraid of getting hurt. And I think I’ve already received one or two of those messages…

**** Editor's note: The day after writing this, I bit the big one and got a motorbike. A girl was leaving and sold it to me on a whim- impulse purchase? Whether I use it remains to be determined, but I'm going to try. Keep your fingers crossed and send good thoughts about not crashing and driving SLOW my way!****

Phi Phi was a Go-Go!

I was really torn about what to write about this week- a lot is happening in school, but my weekend in Phi Phi was quite lovely, so I feel like I just have to share a little bit about it and toss in a link to my pictures for you all. Then we will move on to the “school stuff”. J 

If, for any reason, you would not like to read all of this and just skip to the photos, you can click here. 

The three-day weekend started on Thursday, when Teacher Val, Teacher Meaghan, and I finished our classes and immediately grabbed a mini-bus to Krabi. From there, we would catch the ferry that would take us to Ko Phi Phi. We barely made it! I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but the mini-buses here also serve as UPS trucks, stopping to pick up and drop off packages as well as people. And I don’t know what it is about the Thais, I love them and they are dear, dear people, but the our van will stop, and one person will get off, and then seriously, not even a block later, another passenger will ask for the van to stop so they can get out. Same with the song taos. Because heaven forbid you have to walk a hundred or so meters to your stop! But, that’s neither here nor there. The point I am trying to make is that, with many stops, our mini-bus put us in Krabi with only 20 minutes to buy our tickets and get to the ferry terminal, which is about a 7 minute drive or so from where we were let out. Immediately, we had motorbike taxis approach us. We made a deal, let them know we had to make the 3:00 ferry, and we were off. I mean OFF- I don’t think I’ve gone so fast on a motorbike since I’ve been here. It was funny, fun, and we made it to the terminal in time! The taxi driver told me I am very good at holding on while riding on the back of a bike. (Thanks, Meaghan, for all the practice!)

Phi-Phi is on the west side, in the Andaman Sea. Picturesque limestone cliffs jutting up sharply from beautiful, clear, placid, green-blue sea to a beautiful blue sky. Beaches with the softest, powdery sand I have ever set foot on… Just breathtaking. I’m not quite sure it beats Railay, which is the beach destination I went to when I  first came to Thailand, but still, beautiful.  The streets are narrow- no cars, only bicycles and feet are allowed, and they wind through the isthmus where all the bungalows, guesthouses, eateries, vendors, dive shops, etc. are located, between the two lush green hills on either side. Tourists are everywhere, mostly Asian and Swedish, but from all over the world, and everyone, both local and foreign, is happy to be there and in good moods.

We spent Thursday evening with just the three of us, eating DELICIOUS Italian food at Cosmic Pizza House- you don’t know what you’re missing until you don’t have it anymore, and I feel this way about Italian, especially calzones and pizza- and then we played Connect Four for the rest of the night with the bar staff at an Irish bar. Not exactly the most Thai experience, but it was definitely good!

Friday, a friend from my Southern California days came in on the morning ferry, turning our group of three into a foursome, and we spent the day on the beach, lounging and swimming. In the late afternoon, we went snorkeling, a new Australian friend bringing our group to a party of five. It was my first time getting into the water to see the fishes since I have been here, and while we didn’t see anything super spectacular (the sharks and mantas were AWOL), it was fun going to the different sites, getting familiar with my underwater camera, and seeing the sunset from the boat.  We also went to Ma Ya Beach, famous for being where the movie The Beach was filmed, which, by the way, I have never seen. Another to put on my list. 

And, we got to see the cave where they harvest the nests for bird’s nest soup, a delicacy in China. After hearing about this on our snorkel excursion, I of course had to Google what exactly made this soup, and what made it so special. Some of you may know about this already, but for those of you that don’t, bird’s nest soup is made when these special nests, located in very select limestone caves in Indonesia and this little cave off Phi Phi, are harvested and then dissolved in water. The saliva, yes, that’s correct,  the saliva, that the birds use to make the nest gives the broth a thicker gelatinous texture that make this soup unique. From looking online at the pictures, I would say it resembles Chinese hot and sour soup. And it’s a pretty hot commodity- just a bowl could cost between $20-100 (U.S.). And I know that we weren’t allowed to get to close to the caves- men with guns guarded the area, and it is patrolled 24/7.

When we got back from snorkeling, our group added two more members- a fellow teacher from a neighboring city and another lovely Aussie- and we all went out for dinner. Some delicious Indian cuisine! It was a Buddhist holiday, so it was a relatively quiet night on the island- many places had closed early, and there were just small groups of people, scattered on the beach. We chose a spot at a table, played games, and just chatted the night away, laughing almost too hard at times.

The following day, yet another member was added to our group, a lovely girl who’s in JAG with my friend from home, and we beached it on the other side of the isthmus. The tide was low- so low that we could walk incredibly far out, with the water barely at our knees- it was just stunning. I cannot get over the clarity and the color of the water against the the sky and the  island- lush greens and blues… just spectacular. In the late afternoon, we took a little hike up to the view point. And WHAT A VIEW! We sprawled out on the rocks there once we got to the top, drank water, ate ice cream, chatted… I think it’s safe to say we spent about 2 hours up there, which is a lot of time, considering there’s not a whole lot to do except be.

Our last night was… a memorable one. Our group of three had, by this time, expanded to a group of nine. Three American teachers from Nakhon, four American lawyers (all living abroad), and two traveling Australians. We went back to the restaurant from the first night, went back to play Connect Four, and sat at a table on the balcony. I cannot emphasize enough how wonderful the people I have met here- whether only in passing, only for a brief amount of time, or the people I get to be at school with every day- are. I think it all boils down to the fact that I am just in love with what I am doing right now, and that makes everything so much better.

My Photos

It's been almost 2 months!!

I begin week 7 of my Thai Teaching Adventure with, GASP!, an entry that has something to do with school! I am getting more and more comfortable teaching here, understanding the students when they have questions, comments, etc. We have somewhat of a routine down, they know what to expect, and they know what I expect from them… for the most part.  There are still times I have to call in a “translator”, i.e. another student who understands what the first one is trying to say or ask. Certain things about the school are still a struggle, but that is to be expected and I just try to make the best of it with the materials and time I have.

Today was simply adorable because during last period we celebrated Valentine’s Day. Students here also had a free-dress day, so they dressed in festive attire- pink and red, hearts, and a couple boys even wore ties in red and pink. Some of those same boys were quite bold and took this opportunity to bring GIANT bouquets of flowers, teddy bears, etc. for the girls they "like." One boy made a bouquet entirely out of Chupa Chups lollypops and tissue paper! So romantic! In my class last week, we discussed tradition and what the word means, how cultures, families, societies, etc. all have traditions. Then we used Valentine’s Day and various traditions that the holiday entails as an example in our discussion. Only briefly did I go over the history with them, but I wish we had talked about it longer (and had the time to) because they seemed genuinely interested. Then, in their Values class, they made cards and mailboxes for the big day. We told them that during last period, we would have a party, pass out our valentines, and also have a little birthday party (9 students out of 43 have birthdays this month!!).  In order to avoid hurt feelings/drama, we made sure to tell students that if they were choosing to participate and make valentines, that they couldn’t just make them for one or two people, they had to make them for everyone. Still, however, feelings managed to get hurt by the end of the day, girls were crying in corners, and we were fighting the urge to roll our eyes. Ah, to be a pre-teen. But, most of the celebration was a happy one, and some of the students even made valentines for us teachers.

Since today was a day I brought my camera, I also took lots of pictures. Thus, for those of you who are interested, you can look through them and get to know some of my students, see what the classrooms look like, etc.

I just looked through my own little mailbox and some of the students wrote really nice things. One was particularly sweet, and I took a photo of it to share with you. When you know you’re the strictest teacher (I’m sure that will come as no surprise to some of you) because your principal and the students have told you so, it’s nice to know you’re getting through to some of them… maybe. J

This week is a short week/long weekend, so I will be off on another tropical adventure come Thursday, when Meaghan, Valerie, and I head to Ko Phi Phi to meet up with a friend, maybe two!, from home. Pictures and commentary to follow, but to see the rest of the photos from V-day, click here

Photos from Penang....

To view the rest of my photos, click here.

A Difficult Few Days

Early last week I traveled to Malaysia on my own to make a visa run. The trip was actually a very good one filled with delicious Indian food, a trip to a temple, and new friends from around the globe. I will try to post pictures shortly. These past few days have been very difficult for many here in Nakhon. On February 5, a fellow teacher went missing. I know I have not updated in a while... here are a few journal entries cut and pasted...

February 5, 2011

A is missing. Today, a group of teachers went to the waterfalls in Nakhon. The trail, the sights, everything about the waterfalls is supposed to be just beautiful. There’s seven levels to hike up to. A was on the second. And he slipped. Over the edge. And now he is missing. We’ve been trying to piece everything together- who was with him, where exactly it was, what’s happening now. Has his family been contacted? Why aren’t we searching now, even though it’s dark?

My mind is reeling. I was just with him. Last night. We went to a fair at the south end of Nakhon. We talked about not being afraid, taking chances. It was about something as trivial as driving a motorbike. I am apprehensive about getting one. I told him there’s just so many ways to die in this country, why add one more to the list? He’s been in more crashes… well, he’s been in a few, to say the least. “You can’t not ride one!” he told me, “That’s what life is- you get scraped up, but you make it, you know? And you live to tell about it. And if you go on a motorbike- well, that’s a glorious way to go.” 

He just celebrated his 25^th birthday. He said it was the most amazing birthday he’d ever had in his whole life, honestly, he said.

There are many things about the universe and about life and existence in the world that I just don’t know, and refuse to make any kind of assumption about. But sometimes you meet people, and you know that all these questions you have, well, they seem to know the answers. I believe in old souls- that there are some people in this world… well, this life, it ain’t their first rodeo. They are wise beyond their years, and seem to have this demeanor about them, because these people, these old souls, they know. And there is a very real, very certain peacefulness about them. A, I think he is an old soul.

I hope, because although I have only known him for a month, I know that he is adored, loved, held dear to many, I hope God hasn’t taken him from this earth yet. But if He has, I think it was because A was ready. He seemed to know and understand way more at the age of 25 than I could ever contemplate wrapping my mind around now or maybe ever. 

Tomorrow, we search for him, comb the national park. I hope we find him, and that he is alive. But many of us know our hope is not as realistic as we want it to be. I imagine how it went down, what happened to him the moment he slipped. It makes me wince, it makes my stomach turn. Either he is still here on this earth, or he went in peace. No matter, he is still living on somewhere. Whatever happened, I know A is riding it out.

February 6, 2011

We went to the falls today; a big group of us foreigners, plus some Thai teachers and friends. Everyone was right- it is a beautiful place, one I wish I wasn't seeing for the first time in this way, searching for a missing friend. We split up into groups, searching left, right, upstream, downstream, across the river, and in the river. Eventually, we all ended up at the same part- where the Level 2 waterfall spills down. We had only been searching for about an hour. I came down the trail with the group I was searching with, and so many people, Thai and farang, were just standing there, at the edge of the water. I asked, and a fellow teacher turned around and told me: They had found him. For a brief moment, I was hopeful, that these men clustered in a circle on the edge of the rock were assessing A's injuries, that it was bad, but that he made it. 

I was wrong. We all stood there, without words, without sound. I swear, I know the river was rushing directly in front of me, but I heard nothing.

Since then, the day has seemed to drag on. All but about two of us went down to the trailhead to wait while Thai officials from the park, police, and I assume locals as well all tried to pull A’s body from the river. I didn't stay. Later I learned that the first rope they strung across the river to use to get him out snapped, and that no matter what they tried, they were not successful. So they strung a second rope, a much thinner one because it was all they had, and paid the river. Literally, they threw Thai baht into the river and then prayed to the river to let A go. And immediately after, his body came to the surface.

Down at the bottom, as we were all loading into cars and onto motorbikes, a Thai man began yelling. At everyone. Once we got to the church, a person told us what he had been saying. He was angry, because didn’t we know? Three people die there every year. Three people! What did we expect when we hiked up there, he wanted to know. I could feel him, disapproving so much of us farangs for not understanding, and he was talking to all of us, even those who hadn’t even been there before.

We went to the hospital after that, where a blessing was made over his body. There will be a service tonight at Bethlehem Church in Nakhon. His family was called yesterday evening, as soon as someone could find their number, to tell them that he was missing. Then they were called again today, when he was found. We aren’t sure what will happen next, whether his parents will be coming out here or if the U.S. Embassy will be handling “matters” from here. Everyone is just devastated.

I can only imagine what his family is feeling right now, his friends who have known him for years, his friends who have come to know him here. I have only known him a month myself, but in less time than that, I knew that even if you only met him just for a second, if he was only the smallest part of your life, well, then you were blessed. Blessed is he or she who has known A. A with the singing waffle with whipped cream eyes tattoo, A who believes with his whole self that there is something greater than you and me and this earth, A who genuinely cares for everyone, about everyone, and wants to know more about everyone. And hey, if the falls were a way to go, well, it was a glorious way. His family said they had only heard about how much he loved everyone here, and they knew how much he loved it here. They said that at least they know he went doing something he loved. A, I know your time here was done, and you have moved on to something greater. I am in awe of how many people you touched through your life here. You were blessed and so were we.

February 7, 2011

Today I went to school while the other teachers stayed home to be with each other. I did this for two reasons. One, I feel like they deserve this time to be together. They were all so close to A, and are all hurting so deeply. It makes me hurt to see my new friends and Nakhonian family hurting, and since I know they have each other, all of their memories with A, they should be together and take the time they feel they need. So I told them I would cover all their classes. Second, I just feel like I deal with death differently than most. It’s internal, for the most part, and I take time to reflect on this amazing person’s life, life in general, and my own life, bank it into my schema of belief and experience, and know that life goes on. Thus, I was with the students, covering two classes each period. It was busy, but it was good.

A beautiful, smart teacher I work with said it perfectly last night, as everyone gathered after services at Lifestyle:

A was constantly getting bumps and bruises, scrapes and injuries. When you think about it, his body was a kind of limit for him, one that he was constantly putting to the test, trying to get past. Now, his spirit is free from his body, and he is able to do all the things he wasn’t able to as a person here on this earth.

After school, I went to the church where A’s service was last night. In Thailand, funerals often last for about a week, in Buddhist tradition, so that family and loved ones can spend time with the deceased, pray for safe passage into the next life, and say their final goodbyes. One of our friends married a native Nakhonian, whose family is Thai Buddhist, and she described how beautiful it was when, upon the death of her husband's brother, the family slept beside him for two days at the temple. A’s funeral is a mix of Thai, Catholic, and Protestant tradition, West and East coming together to mourn the loss of this person on this earth. 

His casket, air-conditioned, cream with intricate gold designs swirling about the outside and a lovely pepto-bismol pink I know he would appreciate on the inside, makes up the center of the altar, lifted above the ground about three feet. It is surrounded by flowers. Flowers from his school, flowers from the church and the hospital, flowers from students and co-workers and friends. To the left is a large, blown-up picture of A as I have never seen him, apparently what he looked like when he first started working here in Nakhon. Gone is his pouf of loose brown curls in favor of a more conservative, short haircut, and he has no facial hair. He wears a red and white gingham button-down, all things foreign to the A I knew and adored, but his smile is still the same. Lining the floor are framed photos brought in by his friends- A in Haad Yuan at Full Moon parties and Guy’s Bar, both of which I have never been to. Someone, presumably a student, has drawn a picture of A and taped it to his coffin. In the middle of the altar, on the floor, is incense and a candle, a place to kneel and pray.

When I walked in this afternoon, around four-thirty or five o’clock, I don’t know exactly what I expected, but I did not expect so many of his students to be there. I think I supposed, because of the time of day, that no one would really be there around this time, but they were. Kneeling, praying, lighting incense, the smoke curling, to help usher A along. Four or five at a time, sometimes only one or two, quiet with heads bowed down. When I came in, I did the same, and then took a seat in the back. No one was crying. A few stayed after they lit the incense and prayed, taking seats in the chairs, staring ahead at A’s casket. For being here less than a year, I cannot believe the outpour of love I have seen for this soul. Actually, I think that’s wrong. I can believe it, he was such an amazing person, but seeing it is still overwhelming. Watching these young people come in, it was beautiful. It was refreshing. It made me love life and humanity. I’m not exactly sure I can articulate everything I am feeling right now- I think it was everything A would have wanted, probably more than he expected as well.

Tomorrow I will go to school again, tomorrow I will still continue to live, to explore, and to learn. I will try to always remember in my heart all the good that A gave and keep kindness in my heart. I will try to be the person who knows peace, as A did and does, and live my life to the fullest.