Going, Going, Gone.

This is Plah Thu. Plah Thu is Thai for Mackerel, and she was named by Ink,
an 8th grader at our school. Plah Thu enjoys running like a crazy dog in the rain and has
kind of become a mascot at NICS. She is there all the time, and this is
a picture of her watching me as I drove away on my last day.

And so it’s official. My passport’s been stamped and I’ve left Thailand. “When you come back? How many days?” “Not come back. Going to Indonesia and then home to America.” And so he took a good look at my multiple entry visa, wrote something down, and I walked through immigration. And I didn’t look back. I sort of wish I had.

During takeoff, I didn’t look anywhere but out the window- out at the snaking, wide brown rivers winding through the dark dark green land, opening up into the sea- until we were high above the clouds and there was nothing left to look at but white.

Bell left our school halfway through the semester, and gave this to her
EP teacher at her new school to give to me. Melted my heart. 

I can’t seem to get my students out of my head. How do people do it? Maybe the more you leave, the easier it gets, but for me right now, it’s hard. It’s a little bit selfish… or maybe egocentric. I think in my mind, I matter a lot more to them than I really do, which makes sense. For one year, they were my life. They have seen teachers come and go, as they and we will all continue to have people enter and exit our lives. I don’t want them to forget about me. One thing about working with older children/young adults is that they get it. They know that they won’t be seeing you tomorrow, just like adults get it. But what’s hard for them to understand is why you’re doing it- were they not good enough, not smart enough, why couldn’t I stay for them? I learned this, painfully, on by last day of work before coming to Thailand, when I tearfully left the girls I nannied standing at their front door, also crying. It was so painful. My students are older than the girls I nannied, a little wiser because of their age, and accustomed to it, but I know it wasn’t easy for some of them. And it wasn’t easy for me to say goodbye to any of them. I really hope to see/visit them again, that this goodbye is not forever.

Goodbye, cozy little apartment.

My last night was spent with (almost) all the people nearest and dearest to my heart in Nakhon. For whatever reason, we pushed ourselves to stay awake until the wee hours of morning, and while we were all absolutely dragging, rubbing our eyes, yawning, and ready to go home, we didn’t because, at least for me, that meant goodbye. I wasn’t ready for that. Goodbyes are never fun or easy.

It didn’t seem real until I had my bags outside my apartment door. I  looked around my (now Bliss’s) apartment, wondered if I was forgetting anything… and then BAM! It hit me. I would never be coming back to this place as I know it now. I felt very alone, dragging my life- which pathetically fits into one carry-on that’s so stuffed it must be checked, one duffel, and one backpack- down the four flights of stairs. I said goodbye to my lovely landlady, who scurried inside her house and came out with a gift- “For you, my daughter bring back from Chiang Mai. You come back, maybe. I like you. You like my daughter. Okay?”

My Landlady. Couldn't have
asked for a better one. 

Living abroad is spectacular. It provides you with this whole different perspective. The people you meet, the life you live, the things you learn, the ways you grow. But really, just LIVING is spectacular, no matter where it’s done, as long as you remember to embrace every triumph, every failure, every experience, and extract from it as much as you can.

My View of Nakhon from "My" Balcony

I don’t know what it will be like when I go home, and all kinds of feelings are swirling around inside of me. Don’t get me wrong- I am definitely looking forward to it. While there are so many reasons to love Thailand, there are also so many reasons I am excited to be done with it. I miss my family and my friends from home dearly. But I have found this amazing new thing that I am not necessarily planning on giving up, and I wonder just how long I’ll be satisfied when I go home. I’m not really sure if that makes sense… I’m feeling a little anxious about getting “trapped”- there are so many places I would like to go in my life, places I never ever considered before. But there are also so many other things I want to do, like making a real home for myself, getting married, having babies… (not right now, but eventually!)… And as someone who likes a plan, I have to wonder: How will I possibly fit all of that in? Will I get to go everywhere I want to go, be everything I want to be, do everything I want to do in this lifetime? Probably not, but I will absolutely try.

Below are photos from the last day of school. My videos of the students' performances (which were hilarious- there was a rendition of Romeo and Juliet where Santa came in and brought the lovers back to life by breathing on them with his minty fresh breath that made our take on 'Twas the Night Before Christmas seem almost holy) are stuck on my memory card for now, so these will have to do.

Students at the special holiday buffet

My Plate... Mashed Potatoes! Turkey! And of course,
Chicken Satay and "Salad".

Teachers enjoying the meal

Pon. Cutest little Christmas Elf.

Mischevious Sua

Haha, oh Dome.

Teacher Meaghan is the only one who is enthused about
donning Holiday attire.

Put, always festive!

How many photos do I have of these two, Nangfar and
Ked, in this exact pose?

7th and 8th grade

Peet, all alone and being "grinchy"

Goett, with his father smiling proudly
in the background!

Me and my girls!

Me and Techit

Some of my 7th Grade Ladies

I WILL MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!

Fievel Goes West

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

A friend of mine here in Thailand has reiterated this quote or a variation of it on a constant basis for the past week, at least. Clearly, it has made an impression on her, and I can see why. It is a very succinct, obvious statement that can get a person thinking about every single person they’ve bumped into, forgotten, loved, abhorred, or considered inconsequential.

Esan with my Ladies

There is only one thing I would add, and that would be that it isn’t just everyone we’ve ever known that makes us who we are; it’s also everything. Last night, I got home from a delicious Isan (Northern Thai) dinner with friends and sat out on my “balcony” for a bit. Just taking it all in. The night scene of this dingy little city in which I have been living, with no hot water and geckos surprising me when I move my curtains, lift a cup, or move my yoga mat (which has been sitting propped up in the corner between my vanity and the wall, gathering cobwebs and Thai dust. I totally thought I would use it with a little more frequency. So really, it doesn’t get moved. Thus, no surprise geckos from this region in my room.)

Today is Friday, and in three days I will be leaving Thailand.  Tomorrow, I will be leaving this city that I have called home for nearly a year. This place has changed me. These people have changed me. Living my life has changed me. I totally cried yesterday at the little goodbye assembly the parents, admin, and students had for us- I couldn’t even compose myself enough to say a little something special. This part of me, unfortunately, hasn’t changed.

It’s nice to be able to compartmentalize things- to put things neatly and squarely into a category. But things don’t always work out that way for everything, especially the big, important things in life, right? There is bound to be some crossover- some residue left behind that infiltrates into the new layer of sediment that is beginning to settle. As much as I want the past to stay in the past sometimes, it has a sneaky way of inserting itself back into my life at the most uncanny times. Life isn’t easy to sort out, compartmentalize, categorize. This is something that I haven’t just suddenly realized, but being here has made me reflect on it and learn to deal. It’s probably also just me getting toward the end of my second decade of life.

I’m dreading the packing I have to do today, trying to sort out what should be posted, what should go in my carry-on for BALI!, and what, in truth, I should really just leave here. This last one will be the most dooziest of doozies. I’m excited. Just like when I left home (until the day I actually boarded the plane), it didn’t really hit me that I would not be seeing my family, my friends, Taco Bell, oysters, stuffing, good wine… well, to be fair, I didn’t know I would be here a year. I thought it would only be six months. But I think what I’m trying to say, is this feels like that- I’m saying goodbye to the friends I’ve made here, but it doesn’t feel like the END. Should it? There are some people I know I am not likely to see again. That’s okay. We’ve made our impressions on each other, whether substantial or inconsequential, and that’s all it’s supposed to be. Then there are those you think you may never see again, and you end up bumping into them somewhere in the world, years later.

(Skeptical? Examples not from the movies? Okay. My aunt reuniting after years and two children later with her high school sweetheart, when he apparently couldn’t get her out of his head and tracked her down. On a friend level? Okay. Cue Denise Oki popping up in my freshman dorm at university, right next door to my room, after we had bonded at a leadership camp for a week a year and a half prior and then never contacted each other again. And then learning that even though we’re from opposite ends of California, our grandmas knew each other and played bridge together on occasion. Fate? Coincidence? Either way, our paths crossed again, this time more permanently, thank goodness.)

You never know what the world holds in store for you. Even when you plan like crazy. Who thought I would ever come around and hop on the “bananas are delicious” train? I never thought I would own and operate a motorbike, especially on a daily basis as my only mode of transport. I never really considered that I might be a teacher in a different country. I never considered that my teaching position would morph to also being Head of Section, after only teaching in the U.S. for less than a year. I also couldn’t even fathom the world that has now been opened up to me. There is so much to explore, see, and do.

"Rudolph's Out Sick Today"

Haad Yuan Beach, Koh Phangan- My getaway this past weekend...
I got to visit my favorite three beaches in Thailand one last time before leaving!

This entry's title is a line from... Well, I'll explain. So I just spent most of my free time yesterday writing a play for my homeroom class to perform during the Winter Holiday Assembly that will be taking place on the last day of school. What’s it about, you ask? Well, I sort of went out on a limb and gave Clement C. Moore’s classic poem a cut, a splice, and a twist and incorporated what they wanted me to incorporate… I am going to be honest. I have no idea how it’s going to turn out. And I’m a little terrified. Somehow, a rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” was worked in there. Not my idea.

We did a reading today where we assigned roles. Then, to help them understand it better and get a grasp of the language/tone, I did a one-man version, acting out each role. I was flying all over the front of the room, crouching low for parts where I played a child, sticking my belly out and deepening my voice to play Santa, and so much more. A couple of times, I shocked myself with the different tones of voice I was coming up with and the moves I was making. While doing this, I was thinking, “Please don’t let any adults walk by my classroom…” I looked like a crazy person. This assumption of mine was affirmed by the uproar the class was in. However, it did feel good to make them laugh. And I think they get the play. The things I do for the sake of learning and these kids!

Unfortunately, I have to leave a lot of the execution of this performance up to the kids- I told them if they want me to be here and need anything, I will help, but I am so busy right now. Pulling myself basically out of the performance is very hard for someone who likes to have their hand in every little facet of every little thing that occurs within their personal vicinity. (Yes, I know this is kind of a character flaw. I just like to make sure everything goes as planned. Thankfully, Thailand HAS helped me to curb this- a little bit…) Teaching involves a lot of multi-tasking. A LOT. Teaching different subjects, planning extra-curricular activities, participating in fundraisers, then there’s being a part of the staff, working together to create a strong frame for the school, and dealing with administrative aspects. I knew I would be choosing a profession where I took my work home with me, but I really didn’t grasp just how much. Grading papers, planning tests and projects, planning lessons, curriculum mapping… when I think about it I just imagine myself in the eye of this tornado of papers that is swirling around my head.

My Classroom Full of 7th Graders Hard At Work- NOT on Roots
and Suffixes. This is from a couple weeks ago, working on our name essays

Meanwhile, my 7^th graders had their quiz on root words and affixes today. This happens to be one of my most favorite topics. Language is a code, and knowing Greek and Latin roots can help you break it! ß This is what I told my students, super-enthusiastically, of course. This little mini-unit was just an introduction to it, but after the quiz today, where they decoded unknown words like monochromatic, compassionately, and chronobiologist, I exclaimed, “See?! Look how big and scary those words are! And you figured it out!” Because they did. And it made me really proud.

It doesn’t help that this week seems like it’s just flying by. It’s only Tuesday, but tomorrow it will be Wednesday, and then it will be the end of the week! And then it will be finals. And then, I’m done. I will be done teaching in Thailand. I asked Teacher Meaghan yesterday about taking everything off my walls in my room. I don’t want to, because it makes me sad. I have to clean out my desk. It’s strange thinking about leaving, looking at everything and preparing to leave it all behind.


Some pieces from my Creative Writing Class:
 

** Editor's note: While writing this blog, I had violinists in one corner playing their amateur hearts out, narrators, children, reindeer, and Santa rehearsing in another corner, one student researching on his laptop, and another student working on his IT/Math final project... So many students in my after-school space and ears. Chaos! And somehow, we have just now worked the Pink Panther theme song into the play. And about five more have filtered in. And it's 5pm. Oy. Love it.

"Thankful for a Good Time" - Pete, 7th Grade

It was EXACTLY one year ago, to the day, that I interviewed for a teaching position here in Thailand. And then exactly four days after that, I bought my one-way ticket to Thailand, leaving LAX the night of January 1, 2011, and arriving in BKK on January 3^rd.  It is almost scary how fast a year seems to just happen.

Yesterday, for our bi-weekly quick-write warm-up activity (who doesn’t like hyphens?), in keeping with my American traditions because I’m a little sad I’m not participating in the gargantuan Thanksgiving feast taking place at home, I had the students write about things they are Thankful for.

I got some pretty good responses. In fact, I have been getting some pretty good writing in general from my students. Their writing and language abilities are so much more developed than when I went to Malaysia with them in the summer. It’s just incredible. Obviously, they still have a long way to go, but just their ability to express themselves through writing has come so far… the grammar and punctuation and spelling will come. Here are some little excerpts from their quickwrites yesterday:

This was the first one I read... Very poetic. And, I like the double-duty
animals serve in her life- "I am thankful for you because first I
play with you, and then, I get to eat you and you make my belly full."

YES! Me too. I love this.

Pretty sure "hernomy" means "harmony," which makes this so sweet.
I feel the same way.

Pretty deep stuff from a 13-year old. She just came out of
a pretty rough relationship though.

Her whole quick-write was about being thankful for the fact
that Fate is not something that can be controlled by individuals
and how she knows that with every bad thing, there is something
to be learned and something beautiful that comes from it. 

Trying to find the good in everyone, knowing it's there somewhere.

My Thanksgiving was spent among other foreign Nakhon friends (American, Australian, British, and Canadian), eating chicken with gravy and mashed potatoes at a local place that serves western food and delicious boxed wine. I got to cuddle with and rock my friend’s adorable three-month old to sleep while laughing, telling jokes, sharing stories about life and love and friendship and traveling, and just smiling. It was good. At one point, I called for everyone’s attention and made them each say what it was they were thankful for. The non-Americans weren't quite sure what to make of it at first, but they really got into it. By the time everyone had shared, people were wanting to share again, and other diners in the restaurant were asked to participate. Shout-outs were given to the ones who had brought us here, and those who we have fond memories of but are no longer teachers in Nakhon. There really is so much to be thankful for, and it’s so easy to get caught up in the daily grind of life. Last night, I think, was an opportunity for all of us to count our blessings, both silently as we listened to others and aloud within the group. For many, this was their first Thanksgiving experience. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did.

And now comes the mushy part...

What am I thankful for? This year I am especially grateful. Last year was HARD. Emotionally, I was drained. I felt like I had lost my spark- whatever it was inside me that made me me. It’s even hard looking back on it now- I still feel the residue of those feelings of discouragement, the feeling that I was failing in more than one facet of my life, and… all that I thought I wanted, all I thought I had attained, it seemed like it had crumbled right in front of me.

I am thankful for my mom and my dad. Cliché, I know, but clichés are clichés for a reason. Every year I am thankful that they are my parents. I count on them for so much. As much as I don’t always want to take it, I have learned that my father’s advice is generally pretty good. He was trying to get me here for months before I even considered it an option. And my mom, I also count on her for so much, and over the years, we have grown into great friends. And together (I don’t particularly think about how), they made me and my smart, funny, and loving sisters, who I am also thankful for.

And then there’s all the other crazies- my aunts, uncles, my GRANDMAS, cousins… approximately half of whom (my mother's half), led by my best friend, thought it would be appropriate to call me at MY 4:00am today, then gave me grief for 1) not having the light on (“I’m in BED!”), 2) Looking like I just woke up ("Well, I DID!"), and then 3) screamed into skype that they couldn’t hear me (because THEY were all being too loud.) But I loved every minute of it. Our family is full of laughter and love. We’re strong. I am thankful all of them.

I am thankful for friendship. For the people who help me to be a better person, who love me unconditionally even when I'm crazy, and who I know I can count on, whether we are next door to each other  or on opposite sides of the world. People at home and here. I came here not really thinking about the relationships I would make, but I am leaving valuing them in the most important way.

Being Thankful in The Land of Thai: I am thankful for som tom, for my brief affair with Pizza Man (the restaurant, NOT the man himself, thank you),  Kao Pad Moo, Thai chicken eggs,  Tom Kha Gai, the little dog the students have named Plah Thu (Mackerel) that loves to run around our school in the rain, warm weather, the most beautiful beaches,  skype, being able to travel…

Not everyone gets to travel and see the world.  I am lucky and grateful, because this year, I have done this all while doing something I love: teaching. I love teaching because I love learning and I love kids, and I like being a part of those two things coming together. Watching as a student reaches that “Aha!” moment- it is excellence. I am so thankful for my students- they make me laugh, they make me love teaching that much more, and they challenge me to think outside the box.  It can be hard, and it can be frustrating, but it can be done. They help me to learn things about myself and about what it means to be an educator AND a human being. Lately, while they’ve been working independently on projects, I have been looking at them and thinking about the fact that after these last two weeks, it is likely that I will never see them again. I get it, but that doesn’t make it any less hard. I am thankful for the time I have had with them, and hope that I will get to see them as grown-ups someday, being amazing out in the world.

Another cliché: This journey has changed my life. And I am so thankful for that. I’m me, but better, stronger. 

Thanksgiving.....

Wait. Remind Me Please: Why Am I Leaving This Place??

I Fell In Love All Over Again...

I just got home this evening from a weekend spent at one of my three favorite places: Railay Beach. I didn’t think I would have time to go back, so it was a happy surprise when one of my favorite co-teachers at NICS and teacher friend from another school decided to spend their shared birthdays there. My classes were finished by lunchtime on Friday, and I spent the remainder of the afternoon getting everything set up for the upcoming week, then left early on the 2:30 bus to Krabi. From Krabi you hop on a song tao to Ao Nang and then from Ao Nang you catch a long tail over to Railay.

Going there this weekend was kind of like coming full circle for me here in Thailand. Railay is where I spent about four days of my first week here, and I would say it is definitely one of my more memorable trips, if not THE most memorable. I was so excited, so happy, and the weekend was filled with laughter and sun and some of the best people I know. Ao Nang was the first Thai beach I set foot on. This time, as I took off my flip flops and dug my toes into the sand, I got a little bit sentimental, thinking about how this would be my last time just hopping over to the west side for a weekend. It also happened to be sunset, which really set the mood and added to my moment of wistful emotion.

These next few weeks are going to fly by. Coming home tonight, sitting down and sifting through my emails, gearing up for the week, it’s really starting to sink in- I need to prepare to leave! I need to decide what is coming home with me, what is staying behind- what should be given away and what should be tossed, I need to clean my apartment like I’m moving out of it… because I AM moving out of it (and my dear Bliss is moving in!)… and how am I going to tell my LANDLADY? The one I have come to adore and trust and depend on? (Lately I’ve been locking myself out of my apartment AND the building. Why?!?!) I will definitely tell her this week, maybe break it to her gently by bringing Bliss over (they’ll love each other!)

And school?!? My homeroom needs to plan a holiday performance. We need to decorate our part of the school. Finals are in two weeks! And I am pretty sure we’ve found a teacher to take my spot. My creative writing class is working on making children’s books. The journalism class has to get the December newsletter out by the 1^st. And we are doing a fundraiser for the flood victims and a holiday festival… and I need to say my goodbyes. Obviously, this will be harder for me than it will be for the kids. I think by now they are used to teachers leaving. It’s just what happens, I think, when your entire faculty of teachers are not citizens of your home country. It’s got its good and bad. I am going to miss all of them so much. So much.

As soon as school finishes, I leave the next day for Phuket, where I will spend the weekend and then take off to Bali. And then from Bali to HOME. In time for Christmas. All I can think about is hugging my mom and my dad and my sisters and my grandmas. And then everyone else. You know who you are... J

"And THIS Is Considered The Ugly Side..."

Whatever Floats Your Krathong...

Thursday night marked one of the biggest holidays and festivals in Thailand: Loy Krathong. Many of the foreign teachers here have expressed that this is their favorite holiday in Thailand. For Thais, it’s a celebration to make wishes, give thanks, and let their sins be carried away via lanterns sent into the sky and floating vessels sent on the water. Not knowing exactly what Loy Krathong was about, I kind of followed the lead of a few friends who had been to the festival before. You have to be careful about how and where you light the lanterns, doing it low to the ground and then letting the tissue paper walls and ceiling become full of gas. If you let it go too early, it might come back down to the ground, and that is bad luck. And if it hits a tree or gets stuck somewhere where it cannot continue up and up and up- well, that’s also bad luck. It’s a group effort, everyone holding one edge of the lantern until it is time to release it, and then you watch it ascend and ascend until you lose track of it amongst all the other lanterns in the sky, or until it gets so high in the atmosphere that the air is too thin and it extinguishes. Usually, the former happens first. It was beautiful and joyful, people glowing in candle-lit auras, watching Thai families and couples and groups of friends close their eyes and say silent prayers, then release their lanterns with gasps, oohs and aahs, and a peaceful kind of laughter, the kind that sounds like water moving.

Walking down to the riverbank, I watched families gathering to do the same sort of thing with their krathongs. Some of the other teachers had made krathongs with their students at school, and released them, making wishes as they did so. At the edges of the river, extinguished krathongs found their final resting place, making a bed of color. The whole sight- the lanterns in the sky, the krathongs in the water- was remarkable in its beauty.

After releasing our lanterns and krathongs, we kind of just sat and watched the people around us, the lanterns drifting up in the night sky, the full moon shining so brightly. I kind of looked at it as a release for myself. A perfect closing of a chapter, gathered with people who I have become so close to here. I think for a lot of us, it all meant something just a little different.

What I Have Gathered about Loy Krathong:

Just like so many other important national holidays and events, it is one where the meaning and origin are constantly being misinterpreted and reinterpreted, so the actual truth and significance surrounding the holiday is a bit… convoluted. But it looks beautiful, and it’s a reason to celebrate something, and thus, it is embraced by the Thais. After looking up Loy Krathong extensively using my expert Googling skills, I have decided to simply use information about it that was supplied by one of the students in my journalism club for the November newsletter. And then to supplement and add where necessary other details I have learned about this holiday.

Loy Krathong is celebrated on the full moon of the 12^th Lunar month. This is when the moon is the brightest and the rivers are shining, clear and full from the rainy season. This is when the people pay their respects to the goddess of the water, offering expressions of gratitude by sending Loy (which means “to float”) Krathong (which means "vessel") down the river, filled with money and other offerings to the goddess, Phra Mae Kongka. It is often elaborately decorated with flowers and banana leaves folded in intricate designs. In this vessel, people are also to put their wishes and thoughts for the future. By lighting a candle and sticking incense into the Krathong as it is sent on its way, one is not only ensuring fulfillment of their wishes, but also release from their sins. Lovers also light their Krathongs together and send them on their way, as this will ensure that they stay together forever. If the candle goes out while floating downstream, this is considered bad luck and wishes will not be granted, sins will not be released, and lovers shall not see a happy ending. So, as people release their Krathongs into the river, they watch intently to make sure their candle remains lit. It is said that during the Sukothai era (1238-1438 AD), one of the King’s concubines/wives (there are many differing accounts of what her relationship to him really was), Nang Noppomas, was the first to fashion a krathong and begin this tradition. And others say the tradition originated in India, as a tribute to the Buddha’s footprint found on the edge of a river.

While one tradition is to send off a floating krathong into the water, the other is to send off a lantern into the night sky. Loy Krathong used to be known by a different name- Chong Pa Rieng, and this part of the festival originates from Hindu tradition adopted by Buddhists. It was originally a time to pay respect to Siva, Vishnu, and Brahma. Lanterns would be sent off to the heavens to honor these gods and also Buddha's cremated bones at the second level of ascension. Now, the tradition of the lanterns seems, from what I have seen, to mean much of the same thing as the tradition of the krathongs, the historical significance being left to the wayside.

Either way, it's quite an event, with both the floor and the sky lit up and sparkling quietly. (Except for the firecrackers the kids like attaching to their lanterns, of course...)